learned something about myself tonight

Today I had a meeting and I learned a bit about myself that, I knew was true but hearing someone else say it was wow! I have always looked at other people including friends as being above me. I guess you could say that I have never felt that I measured up to anyone. This was the phrase that opened my eyes just a bit.

"the ground at the cross is even ground. It isn't that which makes us different it is the fact that in some areas we are closer to God and in other areas we are farther apart."

So just because I look at life differently and may choose different avenues to go down doesn't make me less of a human but just a different one. I have always had a problem with wanting to please others. It doesn't matter who you are I want you to like me, I guess you could say because I think that will make your oppinoin of me better. I am trying to live a different life. A life that is centered on a relationship with God and the rest will fall in place. WOW! Ok here is another revelation, I don't have to understand everything. This is a hard one because I like to understand something before I go out and do it or use that information. I like learning new things. Heck, soon I will hopefully be able to call myself a teacher and I will have to say that I don't understand some things. I know growing up I thought my teachers knew everything. It makes me feel kind of small, actually itty bitty. Oh there is one more thing, how do you deal with the uncertainty of situations? Do you know how you deal with them? Well I usually avoid at all cost and let the worry fester inside for well forever. I am going to ask myself from now on what does God want me to learn? What did he say he will do in these types of situations?

I know, I know a lot to think about but an hour and a half is a long time when you think about it but actually it goes by really fast.

Almost done with one but ???? about the other

O.k. Today, I got an email saying that my 2nd clinical practice hasn't been found yet because the first place they had was not able to do it. The second was one that I am doing my first clinical with, actually it's just in the same building and the third hasn't responded yet. I have around two months before I start it and......I don't have a school. See, I can't use a school that I have already used for fieldwork and I am trying to avoid some because I think way to little of myself and I am afraid to try. David thinks that there might be a bigger plan in all of this but I am starting to get stressed out about it because of the "what if's". I know you know what I mean and I know I shouldn't be asking them but it is truly hard to not think about it. On a side note, this clinical isn't going....well like I thought it would. I guess God is showing me that he knows better and this is still his plan not mine. I know he won't give me more than I can handle but I don't want to set myself up for failure either. Oh what will happen next.......

Huge step

Well tonight the boys had a night hike at one of the areas nature areas with a naturalist. I decided not to go for a couple reasons. I am taking a huge step in letting them go without me and only with the leaders and a couple parents. I am hoping that they behave themselves and have a great time. Ryan has been virtually cooped up in the house since Thursday of last week. He has had many symptoms so today I finally took him to a doctor in which he wanted to swab his nose and his throat. When we left I asked him which he thought was better and he said the throat because "that nose really hurt, I was about to pull it out and break it in two." He typically doesn't like anything up his nose(of course unless it's his finger). He hates it when we take him in for a check-up. Anyways he hasn't been showing any sick signs enough for me to keep him from going and since he missed his "cross-country" meet yesterday I wanted him to be able to go tonight. I will definitely be keeping my fingers crossed.

just a thinkin'

I had a meeting today. It wasn't a bad meeting but one that helps. I am learning so much about myself it is kind of scary. I learned today that I am human and I can't change the fact that confrontations scare the *&^%$ out of me. I also learned today that I am way to serious of a person and I also know why I am that way. So here is to learning to laugh even if that means at myself. I have started a list of what makes me angry and am going to try to work on this. Can you see a relation between the last two? Someone has also helped me to realize that sometimes in order to see what God is doing he has to bring us through something uncomfortable. WOW! that stinks if you think about it but when you look at the positives that God in turn shows you, it makes the bad thing not so bad. I wish I would realize this sooner. I also got some parenting ideas, I'm hoping that they help. And the last thing that is so sticking with me right now, is that the last ten years of my sons life has been a truly bumpy ride. He is extremely observant and somewhere along the way without me realizing it he has gotten a broken heart from this family. Eventhough she told me not to beat myself up that is hard to do. I feel utter complete horrible for him because in many ways I still have my broken heart from when I was a child and I know how it feels. The one thing that I promised myself to not do and it seems that it happened anyway. I know that the Lord is the only one that can heal this pain for him. I just pray that he won't end up hating me like I do my mother.

has it really been a month??

Well, it has been an interesting month. When I last posted my parents were coming for the boys' birthday. It wasn't awfull but wasn't that spectacular. Anyways, I hopefully won't have that encounter for a bit. Since then my sister has informed me that my mother is yet again hearing noises and seeing people that are not there. Here we go again. My sister is doing o.k. but I really want her to go and get a second oppinoin. Call it what you want but I have a feeling that what her doctor is telling her isn't 100% on the mark.

Well this week I have started classes again. That sounds kind of weird because I am really only taking one class this quarter. It is actually the last official class that I have. I am also taking a seminar on my clinical practice and then the clinical practice. The last two are only 6 weeks long so I will be done by the middle of November. The clinical practice is another phrase for student teaching. It looks simple but we will see.

I have to tell you that today we(at work) had a parade and popcorn and punch for the kids because they filled their Giraffe's. We started a new program in Spectrum which is PBIS. This program is emphasizing the good things that we should be doing and avoiding the negatives, exp.- having a quiet voice rather than no yelling, or walking feet rather than no running(just to name a few). It is really working well with most of the children. Of course you have those few that will need a little extra reminding. All in all our party and parade was really cute. We made them all have a penant, and they all got to hold a stuffed Giraffe.

Happy birthday boys!

Today is the boys' birthday and it didn't' go too well. It started with me waking up a bit late and trying not to get in a huff about it with them. I even wished them both a happy birthday when I got up and before I left. It was kind of a "full moon" type of day. If you have kids or work with them you will know what I mean. Plus, we are still trying to break in our new kids. This start of the school year has been tough for some reason. Well, when I picked up the kids from school everything was going well and yes, I know most of this is my own fault. We get home and they just think that they can do whatever they want. They didn't have any sit down and do homework. One let in friend and they watched a movie. The other went outside and collected sticks like usual and brought a bunch of his buddies over to play in the yard. It was hot and I baked their cake with an idea in my mind of how I wanted it to look. When it finally cooled off I started putting it together and lets just say that I never have done such a horrible job with a cake in my entire life. This fueled my fire. Ryan by this time had been told to pick up and stay inside. Now the true question is "did he listen to that request?" Let's just say that we now have a child that is grounded for leaving the area and not responding when he is called. I know you must be thinking what a tough mom, but I had already called him up once before and told him to stay in the area so that I could see him. David did go out twice to do some errands for me but we didn't eat till 7pm in which by then I was so upset about who knows what that I refused to eat. Instead I went upstairs to take a shower and cool off(attitude not temperature). Now that I have had time to cool off even more and I have said my apologies I feel horrible. I do truly think that this might have been one of the worst birthdays for them and I so didn't mean for it to be.

On a side note the cake looked horrible but tasted actually kind of good, if you can get past the looks. Another thing that made it stinky was that I have to go have blood work done tomorrow and that means that I have to fast-YUCK! Plus my parents are coming to visit tomorrow for the boys' birthday and that is not sounding like it will be any more fun that tonight. I definitely had a nomination for the worst mommy award tonight and for me a 'Calgon take me away moment'. Did I mention that I have 15 things due in less than a week? I am a bit stressed.

end to summer:>(

Well, I haven't posted in awhile so I thought what the hay. I have pictures that I am going to get on here, probably tommorrow.

We have had a pretty boring and uninteresting summer. I guess that is nice but at the same time, I almost wish it was more interesting. The last post had the boys at scout camp. They went to church camp and had a great time, even through a major storm. They don't do storms very well and it was their first time going through one with out me. When we went to pick them up this year there wasn't any tears which was a great thing for me.

I have had some interesting things happen with my student teaching and I just would ask that you join me in praying that the He would take care of it and that I could trust and obey. School starts this week and the boys just got their cards to tell them what their teachers name is and again I just pray that the reputations that proceed them won't be a continueous one.

Ryan had a check for his meds and HALLELUYAH he actually gained a pound and a half. I know this sounds redicules but he didn't gain any the last time and his doctor was a bit worried. We have gone to the parks and had a great time at VBS.

Saturday morning we went with my sister, brother-in-law and their two kids down to southern Illinois to show them the Shawnee National Forest. We decided to camp on Saturday night so we didn't feel so rushed. It was great! The only thing is that we didn't get to do much because my brother-in-law has asthma and doesn't do well with heat. That's ok. because the time spent together was worth the trip. It was actually so great that I was balling when we left to come home. I love how the people are so nice and it is just so peacefull that well, it brings back tears to my eyes. There has been some stress in my life that it was a well needed trip and I didn't want it to end.

A funny story though, it was about 4:00 in the morning today when all of sudden I hear Ryan saying "I gotta pee and I can't get out!" Now you'll have to imagine that it is pitch black and we are in our tent asleep with not much on because of the heat. Well I roll out of bed to try to help him get out before he pees all over the tent and when I get it unzipped enough for him to get out I say "here Ryan, you can get out here" He says "I'm already out" I imediately hear where he is and say "don't pee on your uncle Everetts tent" Ryan comes back in while I am zipping up the tent and then David has to go. He doesn't have on his glasses and has to search for the zipper again. He goes and when he comes back in he starts searching for his glasses. I again roll off of our air mattress and lift it up by the time I do this he has his glasses on his face. I start laughing(truly over nothing) and then David starts laughing. Here we both are sitting on our airmattress laughing so hard that David and I start crying. Riley by this time is awake and says "what's so funny, Are you laughing" and Ryan pipes in with "their laughing and crying" We finally get stopped enough and fall back to sleep. My sister however unbeknowenced to me was trying really hard not to laugh with because she didn't want to wake up her girls. Then in the morning when we finally woke up I was laughing again and telling them what had happened and that we truly were laughing for no good reason but to laugh. Next time hopefully it won't be at 4 in the morning in the forest. Well, I don't want to write a book so I will save the rest for tommorrow with pictures.